- Are you kidding? Reactors in India can never ever have an accident.
- Don't trust the news; it's all Pakistani military's anti-India propaganda.
- Beware! Osama bin Laden's disgruntled ghost might be causing this havoc.
- Consult with one of India's leading nuclear experts: Mulayam Singh Yadav, Amar Singh, or Kanimozhi.
- Contact the Prime Minister's Office (as he is also the Atomic Energy Minister) and he'd assure you that he knows nothing.
- Join DAE chief Srikumar Banerjee's online nuclear university courses on chemical explosions, India-free earthquakes, and suitable tsunamis.
- Phone the AERB office in Delhi who will redirect your call to DAE office in Mumbai whose customer service representatives will route your call to Washington DC, Paris or Moscow (depending on which plant has burst).
- Pick your choice theory and try to understand the accident accordingly: Karma theory, Maya theory, and Moksha theory.
- Call the people of Bhopal.
- Follow the good old advice: Cover yourself with a white sheet, walk slowly in order not to create any panic or stampede; go to the nearest cemetery and kiss your radioactive self goodbye.
SP Udayakumar is a writer and social worker. His work focuses on future and peace studies. He is the director of TRANSCEND, the first online peace academy, and an active member of the World Futures Studies Federation and the International Peace Research Association. He also helps and directs community work and research at the South Asian Community Center for Education and Research (SACCER) at Nagercoil in Tamil Nadu.
Here he takes a satirical approach to highlight the dangers of a nuclear accident in India.