Never fear, STUK is here! In comic books and movies nuclear energy is our friend and can gives us amazing powers. Look at Peter Parker, bitten by a radioactive spider, he becomes Spiderman. Bruce Banner becomes the Incredible Hulk when exposed to gamma rays. Reed Richards, Ben Grimm, and Jonny and Sue Storm return to Earth as the Fantastic Four after being bombarded with cosmic radiation while on a space mission.

It’s all fantasy, right? Wrong. Research conducted by this blog has already shown that nuclear power in India has allowed convicted criminals to break out of prison and enabled the critically ill to rise up and walk.

We can now exclusively reveal that nuclear energy has given a man in Finland the uncanny ability to predict the future. That man is Jukka Laaksonen, head of Finnish nuclear safety authority, STUK. This spring, in letter to Anne Lauvergeon, CEO of Areva who are building Finland’s Olkiluoto 3 nuclear reactor, Laaksonen said this:

‘I have no doubts about the acceptability of the final product.’

Isn’t that fantastic? Despite Olkiluoto 3 being two to three years behind schedule and not due to go online unto 2011, Laaksonen has looked into the future and has seen that everything’s going to be ok.

As well as developing powers of precognition, Laaksonen has also developed a shield that makes him impervious to his and his friends’ enemies. In the same letter to Areva, he says:

‘You can be assured, that unfriendly writings in papers have had no effect on me and I will not let them have any impact on the good co-operation we have with the experts and managers of your organization.’

When they come to make the movie of Laaksonen’s life, it’s going to be spectacular.

This all follows unconfirmed reports that STUK safety inspectors have developed x-ray vision. After concerns over the state of the welding and inspection procedures in Olkiluoto 3’s steel framework were revealed, STUK declared that everything at the site is fine. How could they have done that if they don’t have x-ray vision? The idea that they would have taken the word of Bouygues, the scandal-prone company responsible for the welding and safety procedures, is just unbelievable.

All this must be true. The alternative theory to STUK’s representatives developing superpowers is that STUK aren’t doing their vital job properly and snuggling up to the very people they should be scrutinising. But that would be complete fantasy. Wouldn’t it?